All I heard and saw last night was about racial equality. The cameramen were trained on any non-white face they could find. The news seemed to think the ability of American voters to be “color blind” was the issue, as if that fickle over-used phrase was actually capable of accurately communicating the requisite perception-change for social sanity, let alone unity in the states..

Now, I’m frustrated by the history of American racial tension too.  Sure, Obama’s election was “historic” in that it’s never happened before. Sure it’s “valuable” in that African-Americans read their own self-worth through the most significant contemporary achievement of their race (be it the 30’s jazz musicians, 40’s war vets or the iconic Jackie Robinson or Michael Jordan). But, do I do that? I mean, I understand the underdog mentality and I’ve studied plenty of American history to understand the basics of “Black Consciousness” (and walked their streets and entered into their homes and lives).. but do I consider my own self-potential to be equal with a combined Brad Pitt, JFK, and Einstein?

What I’m saying is when you see Einstein, you don’t see a man. You see “significant genius”. When you see a picture of JFK, you don’t see “some guy from massachusetts”, you see “youngest president” or “tragedy”.. something more significant than the person and something more significant than and dissociated with yourself.

It ought be the goal of each person to break through the obvious, the visible, the connotations, prejudices and stereotypes to break into a significant subjective, that is expressed and unleashed into the social world.

Most people know this, few acheive it. Many think they acheive it by being the first with the latest (but that’s just taking on the originality of another).. I laughed at the 90’s “independent” brand. Yes, everyone one of you wearing “Independent” is (a) different than each other (b) a person who created that article of clothing without the help of anyone else. You hand-knit it form the ctton you picked yourself. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Sites like “Google Trends” help us know we’re mostly the same as other people.

I guess I’m tired of hearing the empty fixation on “color blindedness” when it’s not about NOT seeing color so much as seeing something good in people. On one hand, I’m frustrated with the empty pride of the black-poor who aren’t making anything of their lives, who don’t afford me any opportunity to see them for any significant contribution to society.. But I also know that’s not the issue, that’s it’s more about the old-guard of arrogant white oppressors who thought that telling generation upon generation that they were worthless and fit for nothing; stealing away african-american hope and dignity while losing their own. I do understand the social pressure and consequences of the psychology of worthlessness. It takes a lot to break through it. Societal change through the growth of personal change is not just a rational journey but an emotional, experiential one. It does need a savior on a mission: a man with hope and ability for others to come along and not just agree with (like so much of black-history) but to look up to and work with.

So I’m glad Obama got a landslide victory over an old white guy. I do hope he’ll be a guide for African Americans who don’t understand their own feelings and history; I do hope everyone will ‘wake up’ into responsible, resourceful self-actualization and social reciprocation. But I know that there’s more to actualization than seeing another do it, or being proud of yourself because of your perceived association with another. I’m ready to see original, life-changing significant people of any and all races moving forward into true humanity and taking on the responsiblity over this world granted us in Genesis 1.

35% of Ami professional smart-phone addicts want
87% don’t know when to stress about work and when to sleep

So says http://www.internetnews.com/stats/article.php/3772821

Think of who these ppl are.. they’re likely not the early baby-boomers. Maybe they’re the late ones. But they’re DEFINATELY the Gen-X’ers, and the GenY’ers just keep going mindlessly calling it “the new life.”

GenX’ers & Y’s grew up with a novel thing: gaming consoles. Our parents grew up with something tech-novel too: TV. Millenialls grew up with the internet, and smartphones are honestly a continuation of that novel-tech. And what happens every time novel-tech comes out? Ppl don’t know what ot do with it. There’s no social precedent keeping boundaries from addictions. Ppl go crazy.

I’ve had (still have) smartphone-y devices around me. Do I check them like these crazy wife-replacers? Nope. It’s all about being proficient with them enough to STOP GETTING ALERTS as well as keeping your values in place. Honestly, my mobile life is better served with smartphone-ish devices than without. I’d rather talk with people as I’m looking info up (or scribble out my thoughts for later referral) than to wait for my laptop to boot, or have to walk into the other room where the computer is.

Yes, we do live in a new Information Age. Previously people lived their lives just dandy without Search and Accessing info OTA. There’s nothing wrong with that, but lately people want the information that is available to them, and more information can mean more meaningful (accurate!) conversation. Less speculation when the facts are available. And I’m all about less silliness like that, so long as people don’t trade silliness for silliness.

There are 2 kinds of art, given a set of elements to play with:
1) The kind that thinks all adds up to 63.. or
2) The kind that thinks sees 34 or 23 or 13. i’ll take any of ‘em!

Each would see the ‘brown’ canvas with black dots differently. The first kid would likely create something more like the blue canvas, all focusing together; the latter would make something like the green canvas– not all the dots connected on the same pattern or at precisely the same angles. More is added in than is necessary, and some is left out.

The first type of artist is one of a strong-mind; who must make all the connections connect as close as possible. “Close” isn’t good enough. There *IS* *only* *one* *ideal*. This the idealism at it’s best/worst. There’s strengths to this, like knowing what you’re doing; understanding and having reasons. Those are good, but they aren’t *all* there is.

This method will also have trouble with what is given; will prefer to modify what is given in favor of ’rounding off the edges’ so that it fits within the Ideal he has created. Trouble is, self-defined ‘rough edges’ may be some else’s precious child. Sacrificing another for your-own is hardly commendable. Thus the idealists have consistently one thing to learn: love+humility, in the form of valuing others and seeking understanding of them. Often this won’t happen without a fight, since the idealist will idealize (within his own ideas/competencies) what the other persons wants. He will always think he has acheived until someone tells him otherwise.

This idealist thrives on energy, and dismisses the existence of entropy, that he should have to deal with it, bow to it’s demands, or worse, be accountable for it. “Entropy is outside of me, thereby ‘not my problem’” he would say.

The second form of art is a much less strong-minded/ideal approach, where “close enough” has much wider tolerances. It’s less ideal, more pragmatic. However, that does not mean that it is less precise; things can precisely exist and be placed within a tolerance. Often one method of this is to leave out elements that are ’suggested’ but not ‘required’ for the scope of work; there are more however.

This is the pluralist’s approach: chopping off the head of #1 and making all #2 & #3. Creating more level ground. And for pragmatism, that’s just fine: why sell the $60k car to a kid who grew up with a ‘85 cavalier? He won’t know what to do with it, can’t afford it, and will end up wrecking it, all while you’re $55k in debt! Giving away high quality has no place in the market. Rather, consistently selling people what they can handle (but not dream or do for themselves) is progress, and sufficient. This expectation and standard the idealist cannot handle, and will only scoff at.

Each artist is different. But both will tend to view their work as an expression/extention of themselves. So telling the idealist to not be so idealistic is telling them to do ‘crap-work’, and further communicating that ‘crap’ is more acceptable than they are. So what does that leave them feeling like? Crap’s crap. And entirely confused/frustrated. “But I was doing my best!!!” Yes, and the world can’t handle you. Idealists suffer through “The heartbreaking work of staggaring genius.” The world can’t handle idealists, and idealists can’t handle the world.

As for the hope of the idealist changing into the pragmatist, it can rarely happen. This is the cry of the 90’s for “out-of-the-box” thinkers. This is equal to the “work” that must be done in marriage, which no dating-for-one-month couple who has yet to run out of date ideas still has to learn and of which cannot conceive. Such work takes either supreme self-awareness or supreme others-focused-ness, consistent changing of purpose, playing with possibilities instead of fixating on the One, being thankful for open rebuke and not being afraid to try.

This is not about ‘aiming & shooting lower’ like the idealist will think it is. It’s another goal altogether, one filled with enabling other people’s dreams over your own, and calling their ugly baby pretty, because they never thought they could give birth.

Update: this little art-theory has everything to do with personal clothing style choices as well:

While recently looking at a “wide leg” ad, I was reminded me of a rather ‘artsy’ friend of mine. While analyzing this ad, I was further reminded what defines the “artsy” look. It’s having “outfits” that are offbeat, but also which only display 2% of “you” and having 90 of such outfits. This way you never wear the same style from day-to-day like ‘most’ ppl, and you never wear what is FULLY yourself, but are happy to take this one small 2% bit of you and tease it out into something bigger than yourself. Of course this is the ‘I’ personality type who can pull this off, since that’s how they *act*, not just dress.

I’m not that type. I’m the more orderly-idealist who will tend to be more “monochromatic” in style (having found the One Style that IS Me), albeit just off-beat enough, a la beatniks & film noir

How ought we position the Bible & the Gospel to our children? (1) As a simplified version of it? (2) as a hidden message which they can only understand a part of? (3) as an amazing message which they can understand and keep understanding and never know it all?

Seems the church, while enamored by idealism in one lens, has as it’s other lens “accessibility.” We all want our children “saved” NOW before they are 5 so that they’ll never have to get mixed up in the world’s pain. That sounds more like an (ab)use of religion for personal parenting pleasure instead of seeking God’s desire/plan for your child!

Jesus didn’t seem too concerned about “accessibility.” or dumbing down our faith-system. Rather, he spoke of it in confusing stories and hard-to-accept statements. He, like Kierkegaard seemed more concerned with making difficulties than bringing clarity to a situation. But all that is perhaps “spin.”
What of this idea that the Gospel be communicated not a “hidden” or “you’ll understand it when you’re older” message? This sounds cultish, and draws harsh lines around who’s “in” or not. The former reason is irrelevant, the latter wholly relevant: God’s message is clearly able to be trusted by those who may not understand all of the details. Yes, children will understand the gospel better when they are older, but they are not incapable of trusting it even without knowledge of the details.

But the Gospel is also not simply “magic.” DNA-evidence (and computers) are “magic” to most people. Cookies baking can be “magic” to children. Going to the bank can be “magic” (since they ALWAYS and ONLY give you money!) These kinds of “magical” understandings aren’t wrong, just lacking the depth of understanding. But if you come to an adult who goes to the bank always expecting money, you know something isn’t right. And anyone not a child who, upon pulling out those cookies jumps for joy and amazement that it’s not just an icky lump of gooey batter..

Children can get by without understanding the details. Certainly this is part of what Jesus refers to with “childlike faith” in Mt 18. But Paul wasn’t very content to have to deal with a bunch of children in 1 Cor 13.11! Our faith can be “childlike” in its pure and simple trust, but our understanding (reason/intellect/rationality) of our faith ought always be “on par” with our understanding of any other aspect of this planet (development). So then, our communication of the Gospel to children ought not to the point of “I wish I were older/smarter,” for that is Eph 6 exasperation, but “I can’t wait to know more about God!” Satisfied with (even ignorant of) their own development, interested in their relationship with God.

I grew up more with a “this is what Jacob did”/”be like Paul” focused Christianity instead of a “this is what Joseph learned about God, how hard it was and how cool things can turn out!” Imagine that mixed with “This is what Korah learned about God.” There’s a lot to God. He takes our lives to display himself to us and all others.

Not that children follow that abstract summary idea of “our lives”.. but also, not that we want them to go around saying “Today I’m going to display God’s wrath!” since it is God who defines our lives and what they can display and unto whom will they be seen.

The whole of humanity, whether believers in God or not display him. His qualities are in all in various levels. All men reflect his image(Gen 2), but not all participate in his nature (2 Peter 1:4). What is this distinction? Romans 1 & 2 display the option for unbelievers to uphold the law AND to twist their lives and epistemology into their own self-gratifying realm. Which would we prefer for our children? Surely the former!

So when developing children, there’s a few levels:

Identity + Activity (be + do)

1. Identity as absolutely beloved
2. Self as displaying God (involuntarily and voluntarily)
   1. but my selfish desires aren’t God’s desires..
   2. some desires are built in, and are part of God’s creation & personal knowing of me, and plan for my life.
3. Activity as displaying God (involuntarily & voluntarily)
4. Activity as God’s desire over self-desire(?)
   1. not as “pleasing God”, for what can a mand do to please God that Jesus has not already done?
   2. self-importance diminished (?)
5. Life as difficult (Jesus’ statements on reality & how to live it)
   1. God as overcoming, transcendent over creation & pain
   2. Also immanent through the Spirit and Incarnation.

As to the importance of life and the reality of it communicating something, we might all agree. Specifically what it’s communicating, to whom, what it means, and the consequences.. that’s not so agreed upon. We understand that sin is bad, and our lives speak our theology. That’s the beginning of one of many arguments towards a holy(character of God) daily lifestyle.

But life isn’t that clean; that sin we try to avoid is undermining, active against us, confusing us, giving us a new foundation which we try to live upon.. and most sadly, it works. Life doesn’t crash-and-burn 100% when you sin. It’s a slow-way down. And the energy of youth is often enough to recover the tail-spins which can come quick. We simply learn to “not do that again.” And that’s what I’ll call “bottom-up” living: when experience teaches, and we build an idealism/expectation from it.

There’s another method, obviously “top-down”.. where we demand our idealism (from whatever source, be it parents, church/religion, youthful hopes, etc). No matter the experience, we will fight against reality to hold to our hopes. Ethics are strong, requirements high. Thanks to American Pragmatism, the latter is laughed at, and the former a stronghold of American secular living.

But my Theology says a few things.. That how I live says stuff about God. Now, for finer points, my life says stuff about God because I claim his way as my own. The “gap” question here is does everyone’s life communicate their theology? The simple answer is yes. But the other ‘gap’ question is, “Does everyone’s life communicate their perspective on God?” And the corollary, “Does everyone’s life display their commentary on God?”

Now, take the simple Christian, who is able to follow the idealism of the conservative american variety. He lives in an undisturbed box that he claims God wants him in, and he has no trouble attaining his perfection. Likely pity is his take on the rest of the sin-filled world. What is he communicating? Transcendence of and isolated God, yes. Immanence of Jesus that eats with the sinners? No. Immanance that loves and helps? No. Certainly, we can call this ‘Christianity’ a half-breed– mixed with selfish isolationism/protectionism of keeping oneself clean first AND last.

Take the avant-guard Christian.. often found on uni campuses, stuck(whether by his own choice or the housing dep’t) with a roomie who sleeps around and invites him to do the same.. Challenged on all fronts to NOT get up on sunday for fellowship, and challenged even on Sunday by people who are in the previous category, and have no concept to help him towards a holiness which is God’s. Immanence is not his trouble.. he’s IN the world, clearly. The transcendence of God’s character which he is originally designed for no longer seems reasonable, possible. The people he meets “outside the box” and still appear happy challenge.

Now, about those people he meets, out there in the world. Some who are taken by their sin and revel in it. Claim it as an identity. What are they saying about God? (1) Perhaps that they have no knowledge of his claim to holiness? Or that they have knowledge (Romans 1!) but there’s just no one ’round confirming it, encouraging them, helping them realize the goodness and long-term best. (2) Alternatively, they are unaware the connection of their daily lives to consequence.. communicating to God that they value something other than him. That’s a scary thing, and I think most people don’t realize their actions are communicating this.

Precisely.

I don’t think I’m aware of this either. I’m not convinced the church is communicating this enough; I’m not convinced that’s my message I take to those in the world.

This means that that college-roommate who’s liberal with his sexuality is directly saying God’s meaning and purpose in sexuality isn’t compelling, valuable, or of any pragmatic use. And the church is quick to jump to try and recover this message (often without the theological base, too!)But to the one who has never heard or perhaps has forgotten, his life isn’t about God, and it isn’t about communicating anything. It’s just as self-centred as the protectionist Christian, only exactly in the opposite direction. (and in this case, the protectionist christian is “better” only because he’s got 1 problem of selfishness not 2!)So selfishness of all is evident. All are indicted, no reason or cause for anything but humility. But pride fills up instead, denying consequence– precisely of God’s concern of such matters.

———-

Restart.

At this point, I’m confused. I started off this post regarding my friend who’s sin is her identity. She’s happy.. honestly happy. She’s got a life that’s working enough for her. There’s enough people confirming her actions, and there’s enough people able to keep her going. All people live by what they see and feel. Bottom-up experiential living is the norm. And that is authentic, which is often more than in the top-down lives.

But I feel I’m squished in the middle. I’ve lived both top-down (lead to such inauthenticity that lead to depression) and I’ve lived bottom-up, which can lead to frustration.

I know God’s message to me is love. That’s enough to solve the frustration of bottom-up living, get oneself out of it’s addictions and demands for peace and ease.

Perhaps that’s one of the homosexual issues. They get frustrated with the opposite sex, while being so comfortable with those who are like-minded and so retract from those who think, act, value differently instead of entering in to the messy other. Just like a married man who doesn’t know what to do with his wife or children, and so retracts into work or his hobbies or an affair where he DOES know what to do with, where he finds solace and ease. Fact is, both are sin. Both are not living fully, both are self-protectionist, and both are “happy” ..just one takes more work: fighting self and ease.

———–

Round 3:

So what of it all? Our lives are filled with our own anti-consequential desires, decisions & actions, all communicating that I’d rather live my bottom-up way than any top-down idealism keeping me from pragmatic reality. All the while, breaking God’s heart, shoving him aside, missing out on an authenticity deeper than the termites have eaten away.

Now, that’s not to say that God’s way is as the conservatives make it out to be. And that’s the confusing part for everyone involved. They present a highly in-authentic, illogical, top-down idealism which only works inside their own box of pretty-pretty-land. That’s not palatable, let alone tasty to most. And it’s not God’s design, hope nor future for any of us.

What am I to say? God’s broken heart over our denial of him is ‘ok’? Our lives communicating constant rejection of him inconsequential? Is there a difference between me trying to not reject him, and me giving up, giving in to my natural choices which speak rejection? And maybe my own effort will only build my pride.

I’ve got to say, the homosexual, the addicted-to-sports-male and the protectionist Christian are of the same tree. All act out of the same motives, though some more hidden than others. Telling God, “f*** you!” nicely doesn’t keep you in the kingdom.

All I can find that is true is continual recognition of all this and of the final payment for these crimes by God himself, and the continual attempts to value him, his ways, his kingdom.. everything else will confuse, everything else is noise.There is no “best” life. There is no one who achieves. We all rationalize and twist and turn.

I just watched Stranger Than Fiction. I loved it, at least all but the ending. I kind of wanted him to face death knowingly. I didn’t really like the cheese-ball ending, and I thought Emma Thompson was beyond amazing in her role. A crime she was only nominated.

I’ve been struggling to make sense of a few things lately. And you see that’s my problem. I always demand I make sense of things. *I* must know. And since I know and others seem to not, this is a problem. But I’ve been haunted all my life by one thing: all my thoughts have been thought before. All my genius ideas for technology & web applications: done by Google. All my observations about human psychology & sociology: 50 years late. It’s all be done before.

And that’s not all. Like I recently posted– people are people. They really don’t want to change. Me telling them, reconstructing, informing doesn’t do much. I’d love to believe people want to change, but I can’t make that fit. If someone does change or even want to, I’m thrilled, but I’m turning more cautious about believing it.

I see around me people’s lives crashing. And like I said.. I can analyze their psychology & conditions and plot the path, define their needs, only to see them not get it. I could call it failure to communicate on my part– believe me, I know I’m enigmatic.

I’d like to always run from being a child of my sitz en leben, I’d much rather rise above it knowingly; but I’m human. I’m embedded here. I see the stories unfolding around me and in me and it’s so rough-and-tumble. Why are we so stubborn? So mean? So blind? Love is great, and necessary, but simple humility comes back around as underlying it all. Self-determination is slowly crumbling- mostly at the four paws of the dog which trotted along in front of me this morning. I’m not going anywhere, and I think that if I were born 70 years prior, I’d be unable to be. I was born into this time not only for the good of this time, but for my own good.

I’d like to think I know the sources of x, y & not z’s societal status at present, but I’m wondering if they’ve been going on all along & I just missed it, or was just withheld from knowing it sooner. And there are people which take in stride as obvious what I stand in awe over. Doesn’t mean I understand it more, just that it’s novel to me. And I’m lucky enough to have people around me who like watching me smile over it, and break me down with their laughter when I rage over it all.

I think I’ve misunderstood child-rearing a tad, at least on the topic of social growth. The argument in my head usually runs, “I never had ____ newest video games, so I couldn’t ever talk, trade, socialize over them.” The obvious conclusion is that a good parent will (even must for their child’s development) buy, buy, buy. Not so much that the parents keep up with the Jones’ as much as their children must.

But I never liked that conclusion. And perhaps it’s because I’d be leaving socialization in the hands of my kids’ mean, bratty peers. Not just socialization, but their self-worth. Bingo. That’s what’s going on here.

Self-worth : good social skills :: chicken : the egg.

That is to say, which comes first? A child’s self-worth is built in his own terms (concrete thinking). I’ve mentioned this before on other terms: a child will most likely hold to his parents value system so long as he sees the worth in that system through providing for his basic needs of food, clothing, shelter, enjoyment of life generically.

So it seems that any child will seek out/need approval from peers when he hasn’t got it from others. This is a statement I’ve heard a million times.. applied to those who “act out” in classrooms. But what about the kid like me who just sat quiet because he had a sense of authority? He still needs validation, and a 1/30 ratio isn’t enough from the teacher, and without ‘tools’ to socialize over, he isn’t getting it from the last-resort: peers.

I suppose I’m suggesting a priority of how a child builds self-confidence. Probably somewhere in line between Maslow and Bronfenbrenner. Families with more kids have more brothers and sisters to socialize around. When someone wants to play a game, there’s a higher chance that he’ll have another to play with than with a child who has a younger sister only. And in that asking “hey, ya wanna play ____?” self confidence is built. “Another thinks I have a good idea!”

Parents, being in your microsystem, have a lot of influence, but they often cannot give enough, lest their child become authoritarian-addicted. A child with a multiplicity of relational types will have a bettr foundation than a self-confidence built solely around older authorities. (Fact of life: not everyone around you is your authority! Whoa!) Hence my analogy with “Fathers, Brothers, Sons.” All 3 are requisite, and not just in your mid-early 20’s when I realized it.

On the train today I considered (quite out of nowhere)  not just how people themselves are not static, but how they view themselves and their environment as such. This is a crazy (albeit half-warranted) idea/expectation. Certainly we can’t keep up with all that changes in and around us, but to allow for it seems wise. And it’s this allowing for change that I noticed even in myself that I will have to allow for my children to not experience (at, say age 15) the same things I experienced when I was 15. Of course there are built-in human developmental consistencies, but that’s what makes this interesting.. the mix of static and dynamic.

And instead of viewing people are “who they are” or even myself as “who I now am”, perhaps viewing us all in a more historical manner would improve perspective. To some degree I’ve heard this in christianity “live in light of eternity” etc, etc. But what I mean is to consider that I have had a set of experiences and I’ve handled them in various manners (reacted against, jumped on the bandwagon, questioned, denied). That is who I am. As well, there’s another set of cirumstances coming my way, and another set of circumstances I expect.

What this means is that though I grew up in evangelical christianity, I’m now reacting against it (to some mediate degree). If I continue in this pattern, then my children will not grow up in this same ideology as I have, and will not have the same reaction against it that I do. So at age 17, when I started to understand that “there’s more to Christianity than conservative evangelicalism”, my children may well have the opposite “oh, evangelicalism isn’t so bad.”

Or take it a step further: Modernism isn’t so bad.

This past Sunday’s liturgy involved the confession of misuse of intellect and imagination. My mind has been working underground on that generic idea since, and with luck, here we have a post.

As a child, I could not stand scary movies. (As an aside, I couldn’t stand the suspense of mystery novels either!) I could never walk up the stairs to my room, or from the basement– I’d have to run. Fear. A compulsion that ghosts or scary things were after me. If it was dark, and if I had my back turned, then they were there! I’ve called it childish and irrational, and tried my best over the past 15 yrs to keep my cool, with limited success.

In another vein, the past few years have made me aware of my disinterest in fantasy novels or movies.. Fantasy as in sci-fi or anything with gnomes, fairies, unicorns, orks, trees that walk or talk (no matter how many boulders they throw), wizards, etc. No LOTR or Narnia for me.

As for exhibit ‘C’ toward my non-standard imagination, my childhood was filled with two things: Dinosaurs and Legos. (Note the glaring lack of comic books like most boys). My childhood was not taken over my narrative or storyline of any sort. I still don’t read novels like many adults do, be it Harry Potter or Ted Dekker (Here’s to you Tim!). Rather I was caught up the the amazement of the granduer of dinosaurs, of the reality of another time, and of construction and interworkings of pieces of any sort– stretching them to their limit.

My imagination was non-narrative, but instead, constructivist and ideological, if not mechanical. Any wonder why I now take interest in contental philosophy? Sure I enjoy logic, but I’m not a pure analytic in my approach. I like considering the large ideas at play within the masses.. perhaps my world is a world of lego-men after all!

But tonight after watching a zombie-filled movie, as I walked from shadowy room to shadowy room in the winter dark, I was struck by this idea of imagination: My mind is strong, and it seems to project the non-real into reality. My mind is unable to make monsters appear before me and others like true wizardry, but for all intents and purposes, my mind is overactive enough to make me believe )behave) as if I could be attacked out of nowhere.

Take this into another realm.. many have trouble with depression, OCD or even trusting others. Is this simply a matter of having a strong, overactive mind projecting issues and concerns into one’s reality which are not? A matter of having the mind “push back” instead of simply being a tool to process and understand? Imagination running wild of a new sort?

Or again, all the ideologies in the world, from Democritus’ atoms, Descartes’ reality, Kant’s Phenomenology, Hegel’s history, Modernism’s dream, Christianity’s hope of a New Heaven and Earth, Nirvana, even Hindu castes.. these are all strictly in the category of imagination. The one difference would be whether any one of these dreams were to pan out. Just because something is unseen does not make it imaginary, but as well, to live in a presumed imaginary world which ends up being reality, that would not be so foolish of the faithful.

And precisely the point: the faithful trust that reality is more in line with their imagination than what is commonly held. This can lead to discrepency over the logical outcome of lifestyles given what is or is not included and prioritized in the ideology. This idea of faithfulness is also consistent with the requirement to “remember the dream.”

A Disciplined mind.
Something I don’t hear mentioned often is disciplining the mind. Discipline, in general, is spoken of, perhaps only in reference to one’s will or perhaps emotions, but training one’s mind to swap between reality and imagination would seem to be of use, for avoiding mental illness, as well as keeping faithfulness.

this morning, what i truly only want is social..
reading the news or finding the latest toys won’t do it
not to recieve.. not as in some transaction..
but yes, to know(trust/convinced) i am loved.

is it evidence? no.
it is experience.
experience which is cognitive, but emotionally *E*ffected.
but i in myself must be convinced..
and i do think that i am rationally convinced when i am emotionally changed.
until then i’m a bitter skeptic..
So through my bitter skepticism, i say in semi-blind faith (truly in faith, trust in previous knowledge & experience) “Come.. and love me..”
with the follow-up.. “I know I need it.. you”
and the poem:
“oh how I hurt so! And I’m so very sure you bring it! i know you want me, i know i deny. my bitter skepticism so strong! some days i can deny & ignore & be strong/sufficient.. but it only adds up & builds the tidal wave.”

this makes so much more sense than any purely intellectual approach.. using my will(which is only arrogance- not needing Jesus, only self) to bash my emotions.. rather, here, i have a legitimate problem, with the true solution, founded on truth deeper than i like, but at least as deep as i need. and it’s wholly logical.. but the will and emo’s won’t take pure logic alone.